Any Way the Wind Blows
by Smurfgirlz
Summary: AU. Severus reflects upon his life and some of the choices he's made. Warning! This story touches on the subjects of abuse, neglect, torture, depression, suicidal thoughts, and eventually suicide (in a manner). Be warned.


Written for **Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)**:

 **April Monthly Challenge - HOUSE CHALLENGE - Going, Going, Gone!**  
Hufflepuff House Prompt #69 - _Song: Bohemian Rhapsody_

 **2018 Yearly Event - The Insane House Challenge**  
Hufflepuff House Prompt #344 - _Potion: Essence of Dittany_

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Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe, or any of its characters. Bohemian Rhapsody written by Freddie Mercury, and preformed by Queen - I don't own that either.

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Beta love is Alana. Her patience astounds me, she is truly an angel. I swear it!

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This is very much AU. Be warned it is sad and depressing. I cried when I wrote it. It touches on subjects like abuse, neglect, torture, suicidal idealizations, and even sucide (in a manner of speaking). Be warned.

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 _ **Any Way the Wind Blows...**_

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 _Is this the real life?  
Is this just fantasy?  
_ _Caught in a landslide  
_ _No escape from reality_ _  
_

They are fighting again; it never seems to stop. My pa comes home from the place he goes during the light time. He is always nice for awhile, and I can sit on the floor in front of him and show him how well I have learned to stack my blocks. Mum brings him drinks, not in bottles like she gives me, but in shiny things. As time goes by, she picks me up and puts me in my crib, whispering that it's bedtime and I need to sleep now. I lay down and close my eyes. I wish I could fall asleep like she tells me to.

He yells at Mum for everything, every night. He doesn't like the way she cooks, he doesn't like the way she speaks, he doesn't like the way she washes the clothes. She just lets him yell at her like that; she never runs away. I don't understand why, I want to be away from here. I stand in my crib and start to cry when I hear the sounds of crashing and then Mum is screaming in pain and crying. Suddenly everything is quiet. I am scared, but I know better than to make a sound when this happens. I sit back down in my crib and cry silently: _poor mummy, poor poor mummy._ I don't like it here, but I've never known anything else.

 _Open your eyes  
Look up to the skies and see_

The first time I see her I'm just amazed. She glows with magic. She is pure and beautiful and I just want to bask in her presence. She doesn't see me of course because I hide within the large tree's roots at the edge of the playground. She has long red hair that just floats behind her in the wind, and her eyes are like emeralds cut perfectly to shine in the sunlight. One of these days, I will get up the courage to introduce myself. She doesn't know it yet, but she will be my Sun, my Stars, my Moon, and my Sky. She is everything I think I want.

 _I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy_

It is a beautiful day, the sky is clear of clouds for the first time in weeks. I run to the park and hide in the tree's roots as always. The other children can't see me or they will tease me and throw rocks at me again. We don't have money to buy clothes that fit, so I wear clothes that my mum and pa wore years ago. My shoes are also pa's cast-offs, from when he worked in the mill. He'd bought a new pair to find a new job, but it's been 4 years and he's still home all day. I understand more now about what he drinks, and why Mum doesn't run away. She explained everything to me when I had my first bout of accidental magic. She made a vow to obey him until death parted them, and as a witch her magic prevents her from breaking that vow.

I see her again, the beautiful girl with the red hair and green eyes, and this time she's with her sister - they're arguing, over magic! She is using her magic to cause a plucked flower bud to bloom. Her sister is telling her that she's a freak, and that their parents are going to punish her. I know that's not true though - she's a witch not a freak. Would her parents punish her for being magical? My pa would. I step from behind the tree and let her know that she's not a freak, that she is a witch. They both look at me oddly. I think they might be angry - they think I'm calling her a bad name - her sister turns and runs away. I show her my magic, and I can see her eyes light up. She doesn't run away, and I am happy.

 _Because I'm easy come, easy go  
A little high, little low  
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me_

She got her Hogwarts letter, and a visit from one of the teachers at the school today. Her family is going to take me to Diagon Alley with them in a couple days. Mum has been saving money for my school supplies all year. I am finally going to have clothes that fit. I don't know if I should be excited about this, or upset that it took getting a school letter before she bothered saving for my clothes. Oh well, it doesn't really matter anyway - I will go to Hogwarts with Lily, and we will be best friends forever. I've never been happier.

 _Mama, just killed a man_

I joined the Dark Lord, and took the mark. After the falling out with Lily in our 5th year nothing really mattered anymore, and my new brothers were very accepting. Today is my first assignment. I am to go to the address written on the paper the Dark Lord handed me and interrogate the man who lives there. After I get all the information my Lord wanted to know, I am to torture and then kill him. He is a muggleborn, and I feel it a very unimportant assignment; however, I am eager to prove that I deserved the place I was given in my Lord's service. I wasn't expecting the man to have a family. I wasn't expecting the little green-eyed girl.

 _Put a gun against his head  
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead_

I finish my interrogation but don't think I could handle torturing him; the man had known nothing of significance, after all. I had just cast the Killing curse on him when I hear a scream from the doorway behind me. I turn my head quickly to see a young girl, no older than 8, with beautiful auburn hair and bright green eyes brimming with tears. She keeps screaming for her papa as she runs into the room, ignoring me. She collapses over his dead body and I watch as her entire body shakes with the strength of her tears. I don't know what to do with her; she reminds me too much of Lily to think clearly. I just stand there and listen to her crying for what seems like hours. It must have only been minutes though, as Bellatrix walks in and starts cackling. She laughs at me, asking if I'm enjoying the show, before she subjects the girl to a few rounds of the Cruciatus. Oh, Gods, that girl's eyes. I just… what have I become? I watch her body convulsing on the floor, her screams now in pain instead of grief. I hate this, but I have no more choices. I kill her quickly, not wanting to watch anymore. I don't know that I can ever go back to who I was before. I am a monster now.

 _Mama, life had just begun  
But now I've gone and thrown it all away_

I didn't realize it was about Lily! I swear I was only thinking about getting into the Dark Lords good graces. But...but he thinks it's Lily! Oh, my Lily, what have I done? He swore that he would spare her, just kill the boy and his father. I know my Lily, though, I have sentenced her to death. She will never stand by and just watch her son or husband die. I as good as killed her! Oh no, no, no, no. I must fix this, I need to make this right. Dumbledore… the headmaster is the only hope of her living through this. He can hide her, if only I can get him to understand...

 _Mama, ooo  
Didn't mean to make you cry  
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow  
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters_

I swear to do anything Dumbledore wants, I will spy for him and help him kill the Dark Lord. I just ask that he protects her, my Lily. She won't go into protection without her husband and son. Protect them all! Just keep them safe, keep them hidden. I give my life to Dumbledore, with the promise that he will never reveal why I switched sides. Nobody can know, nobody. I am pathetic, I know this. My life means nothing, but hers does. She is everything. I make the Unbreakable Vow, to obey the Headmaster, to spy on the Dark Lord for the headmaster, and to do everything in my power to help the Order of the Phoenix. It is done, I will interview for the Potions position at the school next semester so I'm close to the Headmaster. Dumbledore, please protect her! Never let her know, though, never let anyone know about my love. It doesn't matter to anyone but me.

 _Too late, my time has come  
Sends shivers down my spine  
Body's aching all the time_

I felt my Dark Mark burn away earlier, saw it fade to just a faint outline, and I knew. Dead! Oh Gods, she's dead. I go into the wreck of the house, and see her body in front of the crib. The boy lives, but my Lily… my Lily lies dead. I have to hold her just this one last time. Her body is so cold, how did this happen? How could this happen? No, no, no. She can't be dead! I collapse to my knees and hug her body to mine, my tears falling into her hair. I am reminded of that young girl on my first assignment. A shiver runs up my spine, and my entire body shudders. I did this to her - I caused this and now I have to live the rest of my life without her light shining in my life.

 _Goodbye everybody I've got to go  
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth_

I killed her, I killed her, I killed her. This keeps running through my head as I rock back and forth with her body clutched in my arms. I need to get out of here, I know I cannot be here when the Aurors come. I just cannot leave her side. The child cries behind me, and the world snaps into focus. I kiss her forehead one last time before I lay her on the floor, gently closing her eyes so she can be at peace. She is gone, but her son lives. I turn to look at him and see her eyes. Her beautiful emerald eyes staring at me in pain and confusion. I walk to the crib and pick the child up, he is screaming and I realize he needs to have his nappy changed. I make quick work of the nappy, and he quiets a bit. He focuses on my nose, and tries to grab it. This makes me smile - Lily had always been fascinated with my nose; she too liked to tease me by trying to grab it.

I hear voices outside; it is time for me to go. I place the child back into the crib, and, with one last glance at Lily, I close my eyes and apparate from the room. I feel as if I splinched and left my heart in the room with her. I truly am a monster. I killed my best friend.

 _Mama, ooo (anyway the wind blows)  
I don't want to die  
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all_

I yell at Dumbledore for hours. He swore he would protect them! He swore it, he swore…

The Dark Lord will return somehow. I know this because my mark didn't completely fade - his magic is still in this world. Dumbledore asks me to protect the boy, the only remainder of Lily left in the world. I will do it, but he cannot know. Nobody can know, or I am a dead man once he returns. Dumbledore says that it's the best of me, these feelings of love I still hold for her, but I know better. The best of me died when Lily did. I am a shadow of my former self, the darkness that once hid behind the parts of me allowed to bask in her light. I wish things were different. I wish I hadn't ever entered this world, when everything that was pure and good in it has been taken from me.

 _I see a little silhouetto of a man  
Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango  
_ _Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me_

The boy has turned 11, and is a first year entering Hogwarts. I have not seen him since that fateful night, when my life lost its light. I have wondered about him, but he lives with Petunia, Lily's sister, and I daren't go back there. I cannot face her, knowing that I killed her sister, for I know that even though they rarely spoke anymore after Lily started Hogwarts, they still loved each other. The boy would be raised in a loving home, and told of his mother and her sacrifice.

The boy is the spitting image of James Potter. From the messy hair to the cocky grin, to the crooked eyeglasses. He pretends he's all innocent, but I can see it. He is full of pride and will most likely boast about how he killed the Dark Lord to all that will listen. The Prophet calls him the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, and claims he killed the Dark Lord. I know that it was her, my Lily, whose refusal to step aside and let her son die was what really killed the Dark Lord. He was just a baby, cowering in his crib when it all happened.

 _Gallileo, Gallileo,  
Gallileo, Gallileo,_

Gods, the girl, Granger. She is the brightness in the boys life, she is his anchor to everything good. Oh, Gods, why can't I stop watching her? Her magic calls to me, breathing life into my once dull shadow of self, asking me to be a better man. Everyone else notices her brilliance, but me, I must not show anyone that I bask in her glory. Every time she turns in her assignments, she has a new way of thinking, a new way of finding answers. Her logic astounds me, and I cannot acknowledge her brilliance. I mock her, I ridicule her, I try to drive her away. But the more I do, the harder she tries. She sees something in me, something good. She tells me that everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from them that matters.

 _Gallileo Figaro - magnifico_

Gods, what is he thinking? Kill him? I made the Unbreakable Vow; I must do as he orders. Why does it have to be me? Dumbledore is the figurehead of the light, and I must be the one to squash that light from the world. Again. I must be the darkness again, and she will hate me for it.

 _But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me  
He's just a poor boy from a poor family  
Spare him his life from this monstrosity_

It all ends in a flash of light. I watch Dumbledore's body fly over the railing, falling to the ground below. I have completed my last order, and the unbreakable vow releases me abruptly. I have no ties to the light anymore, my soul is surrounded in darkness. I grab my godson and run - we must leave this place. He must live… I promised Dumbledore I would keep his soul safe and whole, so we must run. Goodbye, life as I knew it. I am now chained to my Dark Lord alone, with no hope of light ever returning.

 _Easy come easy go will you let me go  
Bismillah! No we will not let you go - let him go_

I am rewarded for killing him, for killing Dumbledore. When asked what I want, I know I must ask for my godson's life. He must live, or I have failed everyone, including the last shred of light I have remaining in my soul. I am rewarded for killing him, and the boy is safe. My life is forfeit; it has no meaning anymore.

 _Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go_

I am rewarded again, for the same thing: killing Dumbledore. He has taken the Ministry, and in turn has taken the school. I am to be headmaster. I am to change things, to allow Death Eaters into the school as teachers. I am to cast the place I always associated with light into shadows. It is only fitting - I kill everything I treasure. Oh, Gods, please don't let her return to school this year. I have no right to ask anything of you, but please, Gods, keep her safe.

 _Bismillah! We will not let you go let me go  
_ _Will not let you go let me go (never)  
_ _Never let you go let me go  
_ _Never let me go ooo  
_ _No, no, no, no, no, no, no_ _  
_

It is as bad as I feared. The other teachers, those I called friends just a year ago, despise me. This must be encouraged. I hate this deception, though I should be used to it by now. My life is just one deception after another. The Dark Lord is focused on other pursuits, while I must watch as students under my care are tortured with the most dark and vile curses created. This is my life now, and nothing can save me. The only good thing I have to hold onto is the fact that she did not return, I do not have to watch as she is tortured and cursed and killed. I know she would be killed, she is muggleborn, and her brilliance shines brighter than any of these purebloods that I surround myself with. She has escaped, and she will live.

 _Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go  
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me  
For me  
For me_

She was caught, and brought to Malfoy Manor. Tortured and cursed, she barely escaped. But she did - she and her friends got out. The Dark Lord is furious, Lucius turned on Bella and ensured that she bore the brunt of his anger. She is the one who refused to call the Dark Lord. She is the one that caused the distraction by torturing the mudblood - Gods I hate that word! I am in my own slice of hell, imagining life where she didn't escape, where she is dead. It is in my head, these thoughts. I can no longer sleep, every time I close my eyes I see her body lifeless on the floor where I once saw Lily. The Dark Lord must die… he must not be allowed to snuff out another light in the world.

 _So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye  
So you think you can love me and leave me to die  
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby  
Just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here_

The snake. Gods he used the snake to try and kill me. How stupid is he? Does he not realize I am a potions master? I have been imbuing antivenom for a year now. I just need to deal with the blood loss. It hits me harder than I anticipated, the blood is leaving my body faster than I thought possible. Gods, don't let me die before I can get to the boy, to Lily's son, and tell him the last bit of information he needs to kill the Dark Idiot.

They are here! I can feel her magic, it's touch so gentle and caring I cry. Take the memories, I find myself unable to speak. Please take them. She notices - of course she does. I feel a burning on my neck where the snake bit me, she has poured something on the wounds to give him a vial. My breath becomes more sturdy, and I don't feel the blood escaping so fast anymore. Essence of Dittany. Of course, she is truly brilliant. The boy collects my memory tears, and turns to run - hopefully to a pensieve. She stays just a moment longer, and I feel a tear land on my cheek as she closes my eyes. She believes me dead, she doesn't realize she has saved me. I cannot move, but that was to be expected. The antivenom isn't instantaneous; it will be hours before I regain use of my limbs. She closed the wounds though, and I know that I owe my continued existence to her. In my mind's eye I see myself smiling. I have a purpose in life again. I no longer live only for the death of the Dark Lord. Now I live to see him dead, and to see her live.

 _Ooh yeah, ooh yeah  
Nothing really matters  
Anyone can see  
Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me_

I must have dozed, because my next conscious thought is that I can feel my legs again. My fingers twitch and I rise to my feet slowly. It shouldn't matter, but I must see what has happened. I must ensure she is alive.

I move slowly through the carnage of the battlefield. I can hear people celebrating in the distance. I hear shouts of grief also. Slowly, I make my way toward the castle. I see the faces of my students, dead and covered with mud. I failed them, but I must keep moving. I need to see her alive. I see the faces of my brethren, shock and pain on their faces. This gives me a grim satisfaction. Please, please let her be alive and well. Please, if any Gods are listening.

Please.

I finally see her in the distance. Her body lies at the base of the stairs that lead up to the main entrance of the castle. No… no, please no. The boy, Lily's son, is on the ground next to her, crying. As I get closer, I see she is breathing, but her legs have been crushed. No, no she cannot die. She is all that is pure and good left in this world. Nothing really matters except her. She is everything.

I begin chanting as I slowly make my way to her. This I gladly do, I will gladly give my life for her. As I fall to my knees I touch her hand, and tears fall from my eyes as I see the recognition in her eyes. She understands, and tries to tell me not to do it, that she is fine with things. The last thing I see is her eyes, and I see love and acceptance in them. Finally, I have done something good in my life. I have saved her, and I can die happy knowing that her light will go on.

 _Any way the wind blows_

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 _Word Count: 3,846 by Google Docs_


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